I find myself trying so hard to process the loss of our babies very quickly. I suppose I'm trying so, in order to have my need base go down and move on I suppose. Then I realize. If I move to quickly I miss the art of it all. How this loss, the depth of sadness inside can create a new and really beauty place within me, how I can become softer, more of a feeler than I already am.
How my children can have a more merciful mama and my husband will have a more radiant wife. I know this is not a loss that will make me lose my mind but I think it still catches me of guard. Like a good hearty weep in church. Weeping in church, I mean, if you're going to weep then there is no better place I suppose. As I cried and my sweet sister came to hold me tightly I realized something.
No matter what others says about loss or what's in the books that have been written, I have to go through this and process it gently in my own speed and my own place. I don't want to tuck all of this away so that the pain comes back over and over again. I don't want this magnitude to be felt every day if I don't go at it gently. I want to feel it all but gently feel it. As it takes my breath away and makes me feel so vulnerable and raw I know it is good and holy, beautiful and apart of our tapestry.
I decided to just get out of the house for a minute and run to target to get a little something for the kiddos who turn one and three this week.
How often does one see a set of twins, I ask you? As for me, I have not seen a set of twins in our area in OH, never. And then bam as I walk out of the store there they are. So tiny and beautiful.
As I looked upon their little pink faces I felt like in some way that God was using them to say " you can't run from this" "you need to take it as it comes and heal today!"
As I passed by those two I thought about our babies and the dream that I keep having about them and jsut began to cry as I walked to the car. I sat in the car in a daze and wondered how long it will take.
Babies, new pregnancy and children are everywhere. I have heard about anger after loss but how in the world could I be a hater for our losing 2 babies, that just 3 weeks ago, I didn't even know existed nor that we wanted more children in this season.
Processing is crazy hard but beautiful and I am going at it slowly.
Slowly is all you can do. It's a long hard road to walk. Praying everyday for peace in your heart and for Jesus to carry you when you need it.
ReplyDeleteplayed nick drake while reading this and my cheeks are teary. your heart is doing so much work, even as you go at it slowly. you are so merciful and radiant in my eyes! the bit about weeping in church- I know. I know. exactly.
ReplyDeletelove you friend. its so hard. time and grace and love will slowly heal and He'll reveal more and more of Himself to you. And glimmers of goodness and thankfulness and peace will begin to poke through like the first flowers of spring in the richer, deeper soil He is cultivating in you. love you so.
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