On fear and fretting ramble

Last night I cried in our bed as I nursed Nyah who woke with a 101.9 temp at 10pm. I realized as she woke and I walked to her room with my double inner ear infection that I am tired!

It's been an incredibly long year of one huge hard thing after another. From my deep darkness after Nyah was born into 113 days of nail biting with Lakoda having Whooping cough and not knowing if he would take another breath. Some times I wondered if He would turn pink again after he would turn dark purple and cough up huge amounts of frothy whooping cough phlem! just horrid! We've had ups and downs of sickness and Josh's serious hours and demands at work that has made us aware of the value of family and almost coming to the point of desiring half the pay check to have less stress! I had my 6wks of broken foot which allowed me the joy of knowing just what I was made of as I cooked dinner on crutches and nursed a fairy all at the same time! More struggles with depression set back in soon after the Whooping cough was over and crisis mode was over and then in March.....we felt the magnitude of finding out we were expecting again only to, a few days later lose twins who were already about 10wks!

And now the biggest and what feels like the hardest thing in our lives so far begins on is this. We have been going through batteries of tests and talking with specialist about what may be going on with Lakoda's belly. Back mid Dec he started complaining of stomach pains at random times and those stomach pains over the wks and months have grown more severe. We've done everything from holistic healing to prescribed meds and so far nothing has helped and there is no answer yet. A few wks back the stomach pain got so bad that Lakoda grew really withdrawn, his eyes were sunken and he just looked totally miserable. He also had an episode at the grocery store, acting like something was exploding inside, that landed us in the ER. The following days he got poked and prodded by Dr's that gave us heavy hearts for out boy.

Fast forward a few wks and a lot tears, we enter the big week. On Thursday Lakoda will go into the hospital for exploratory stuff to get the answers and a better view, I mean, better view through a colonoscopy and a similar test done through the mouth. Lakoda will come our of recovery with a tube in his nose, taped to his cheek, up over his ear and taped down his back attached to a monitor. The coolest part is that he has to wear this monitor for 48hrs, if it survives in its proper place for this period of time, we get to yank the tube out at the end of that time frame, throw it in the trash and return the monitor to the hospital for reading! Nice eh? Have you ever hung out with a 3 yr old bright eyed boy? This is probably the most horrifying part of the whole ordeal, oh yeah, and not to mention the totally clear liquid diet for 24+ hrs prior to surgery! Clear liquids like juice, jello, homemade juice ice pops! He'll so adore this diet because he rarely gets sugars!
While on topic, did you know that 4 tsps of sugar lowers your immune system for 10hrs?
And this my friend is not the kind of information that I adore to know, because of all places to go after a sugar high and a weak immune system, a hospital! Perhaps my worst nightmare after an all sugar diet! Bahahah, guess its just one more way to TRUST and REST!

The Dr's are looking at Celiacs, early onset of Crohns Disease and a host of other things that may be causing this constant pain. One of the tests showed a, what they are calling a "mass" in his colon! We will soon find out what the suffering is caused by.
So yea, I am just good old fashioned tired. Tired of the constant need for strength, need for help, need for grace, need for patience, need for prayer and support. I am the helper, healer, the one who craves to bless, cover and take meals to everyone else BUT I hate being the one in need! My parents have been so amazing and supportive and pawpaw has come over , oh my gosh, probably once a week since March to care for us in one way or another! He said it's all for the Glory and loves being used and able to bless us but all I can feel is, he has already raised me once now he cares for me again! Just makes me sad. I want him to just come play with us, for us to get to know each other better as we grow older, instead he is here while I am in the throws of one thing or another.

Fearful yes but in the same breath I feel hopeful! Fearing the worst case scenario, what if it's cancer, is there anything worse than that? Well, then maybe it could be that, since cancer is the darkest image and cause that I can conjure up! Oh and the images in my mind of how simple and easy or how crazy huge the outcome of these tests could be! Like if it were cancer what our holistic approach would be over modern medicine recommendations OH and the the trouble that could cause!
The hope part feels a little small at times! Small as in hoping it's an easy fix, God is in control and we will just have to take a lot of things out of his organic diet! I really wish that I had these things reversed. That the hope was this huge beautiful chat and that the fear was simply "I am fearful!"
I am so aware that it takes way more energy staying positive and trusting and that going down the "what if" road!We have no other choice but to ride this wave, in no way can we get off right now as much as I so want to! 
I processed a lot of this with Josh last night, Oh yea I cried and felt like smashing something. I felt so angry... like grit my teeth angry which is so not in my make up nor character!
I was angry about Nyah being sick again, about me having inner ear infections, Meniere's Disease, Josh's demands at work and now the icing on this cake is Lakoda's stuff! I've been angry with how this is not what I imagined for our little life and family. I've been angry about how I feel like we deserve a break, to come up out of the ocean swell, just for a minute to breathe! I WANT TO CATCH MY BREATH and I'm tired of being caught in the the undertoe or rip tide!

I'm a feeler, a healer, a dreamer.

I grew up hearing that there is a cause to everything and things don't just happen.
When I was really impressionable my youth pastor at our church would share the "scare you to Heaven" stories and how if caught in a hard season then the first thing to check is my heart, my sin! Like somehow Jesus Himself would inflict pain and misery at the drop of a hat if I remotely got out of line. This doctrine has jacked me and is one of the many things I have to unlearn as a wife and mama! This has given me yrs of fighting God when "it hit the fan" because it gave me no room nor freedom to just rest when walking a hard season out as life sometimes just offers.


A few sweet elders at our church came over on Sun night at our request for prayer, healing and covering. My pastor and a few sweet sisters were all sitting in front of Josh and I on the floor when my pastor looked me square in the eye and told me this 'Jen, just like we are grieving with you in this, Jesus is weeping with you right now too!"
What? Wait, hold the phone! Jesus is weeping and in this right now?! How bizarre that I have never ever seen Him in this light! I have never considered that my situation grieves Him too.Yes, I know He sits with me as I wonder and He walks the halls at night as we sleep! He is our Keeper, the One who calls the stars out into the sky each night and calls them all by name! How cool eh? But I mean, I am just a girl, to consider that this huge all knowing Maker cares and cries with me, is the same One who orchestrates the seasons, the rising of the sun and moon and delivers all things into their purpose!

I feel that in a hard season we have two options, we can either embrace the hardness, unknown, fear and anger and learn to be at rest in it and get to see a different side of Yahweh or we can run into our minds and wrestle and spiral out of control into the funk!
My old Jamaican friend always said "a patient mohn ride donkey!" I never have like jack asses all that much but ride them well now.

I want to rest and have peace again! I mean real true live PEACE! I have not had crazy still peace in years and it makes me so sad! Today I am choosing the path of stillness as I can not in any way control the outcome of the wave. I can only ride it and control my reaction to it!