What once was

I deleted about 30 contacts from my contact list in my phone. Yes. 30. I'm a hanger onner. No matter the story, I hang on to what once was. It is as if all of my memories will also be deleted if I let go. I'm afraid of letting go. I'm afraid of wounding you or letting you down if I let go of what once was. But today as I scrolled through my contacts and clicked delete I processed each one.

Two things have brought this freedom phase and processing on. This internal nesting if you will.

One is that a few dear friends are giving us a Blessing Way for this new baby about to arrive and have asked for an invite list. And the two being Lakoda's co-op homeschool has offered to be 100% safe for Nyah to go to their mamas day out program. Not just the mamas day out program but the entire school will be fairy safe. From almost strangers we receive this gift of normalcy for Nyah. So I process and I weep. I anguish over what once was and it my friend, has kept my flight low to the ground for 2 years. Wet feathers are awfully heavy.

Before I begin. This is a clearing and preparing of my own heart. If it pains you to read it and see the truth of our season I humbly say I'm sorry if it hurts. I have come to my blog numerous times wanting to air my laundry to set myself free and had yet to find the words or the soft heart to do so.
But today something happened. I am no longer ashamed of us. Of our dark season. Of my weakness and humanity. I am no longer ashamed to stand firm on my boundary line and level my capacity. Today I free myself and am holding my feathers out to dry. I am no longer ashamed of Nyah's allergies that have been too big of a burden for so many to carry.

So as I thoughtfully deleted contacts today and yesterday I forgave each person for whatever that story is. This process has been so huge that I even deleted the phone number of my dearest friend who killed himself over 10 years ago. That one stung alot but what in the hell is the point in having a number of a friend who will never call? What is the point of holding a heart bond with a friend whom you haven't spoken to in over a year? So, I choose to let go. To set you and me free today. I no longer hold on to hope of rekindling what once was.

Forgiveness today begins with myself. Yep. Lots of it. Are you ready for this?

I wish we had a firm name for our son because I could honestly say this has been in honor of him as I've been preparing my heart for his arrival.

So on to the forgiving part. Forgiving myself for the feeling of failure as a parent of a child with a disability. Yes I've felt it and been made to feel it by others. Like we or I did something wrong while pregnant or nursing to cause her deadly peanut allergy or the dairy allergy that plagued us for almost 2 full years. Rejoicing that we have moved past that dairy one. Whewhoooo.

I forgive myself for taking your comments and suggestions to much to heart, like "God doesn't allow these types of things to happen to those that He loves" and believing that as truth in the dark. Really! I fully forgive you for saying that and I forgive myself for allowing that one sentence to sink its claws deep 2 years ago and letting it riddle my heart with doubt. I forgive myself for believing my whole life that God was a puppet master that controls everything and I forgive you for making me feel that we were being punished by Him with our magnitude of loss, crazy and dark season. I forgive you for telling me that Josh and I must have really pissed God off or that we've got some major issues to resolve with God because that's why all of this happened anywho, you know. I wonder if we know the same God?
That alone is a whole other blog entry just waiting to happen.

Even in forgiveness I found moments of profound anger in my heart for all the wounds given to us even if people did it unknowingly.
Anger for being left out and uninvited. I forgive you. For being rejected and not known. For your not being around to see through the dark with us or for you not lighting a match to help reveal a path. I totally forgive you.
For the church that seemingly turned its back on us when the word spoken a million times over is community. I forgive you. You really are beautiful and I had set an unrealistic expectation on community that you could not sustain. Please forgive me for holding this standard of you and thinking you could walk out community differently than you did.
For the hush hush in my families voice when we've found out we've not been invited to family functions. For working too hard at having a family event safe for Nyah. For making the sting of having a child with a disability even louder when family has at times chosen platters of cheese over a kiss and a hug from a radiant little life giver.
I forgive you.

I'm no longer pining for you to accept, love and value us and hoping to rekindle what has been lost in translation. Please forgive me for taking so long to fully forgive you and set you free.

Hell yes. Today I take flight from this pattern in my life.

There was incredibly beautiful day in August after I miscarried. I dug through the trash to retrieve our baby who was an inch and a half long. I found her and heard a name for her and I took her tiny little body into our home and wept as I looked over her perfected form already begun. All of this time I felt like we were being punished and in one moment as I held her, I was free. Free of your lies and free of my own. Free to see a face of Jesus that I really could only see after the darkness fell. The true image of Jesus is not found through the words of men. Fact. It was since that day that I have processed and overcome our darkness and had to let go of what once was. So today my wet feathers are drying and I can see them full of glitter like they once were. As we came into the light after such darkness I realized that I could have survived it no other way.

Early on in our season Josh felt strongly that God was trusting us with this hard season. Not as a punishment but as a gift. Like he knew we could handle it.
That was a hard word to swallow but I will say this, it was absolute truth.

I am so very grateful to have walked the road from beginning to end with a small handful of people and to have met new people in the middle. People who not only allowed us to be raw with them but they allowed us to be needed. This is HUGE! When you're alone and its dark sometimes the best antidote is to be needed. To have the opportunity to have your eyes off of yourself and by pouring over other people it is then that we have the chance to see the beauty of where we are. We often placed ourselves into position to be needed and it was lovely. When this handful of people would come over or call in need and needed us to speak truth and love over them and encourage them even out of our dark place it brought out immense joy. "To love and be loved is perhaps the greatest desires of the soul. " ~some author from somewhere
To those who allowed us, Thank you for needing us when we felt so unlovely and unwanted.

Two years ago I had a way different vision of the way I would have liked things to go for us. I would have loved have stayed in our cozy church filled with good people and to have stayed integrally involved with my friends but God so had other plans. I needed to be fully present and fairly alone to work my way through the dark and I think I did it quicker this way. My heart is grateful that so much was stripped from me because Lord knows I never would have let go. I can now look back on our season and feel wildly blessed with it all.

As I have processed and done my internal nesting today I am filled with crazy joy and delight. The birth of our son is the new chapter promised and as we smell his downy head may we be reminded of all of the loss and joys of the season that has finally come to an end. And by coming to an end, let me clarify. Nothing has changed with our circumstances really but its the eyes of my heart that have changed. I am fully aware of the beauty of the cup given to us.